Over the past few months I've been talking to one of my favourite people. She happens to be 20 and starting university this year. It's an exciting time for her and it's exhilarating hearing her anticipation and seeing her potential.
Hearing her concerns and questions about how she should handle certain events, what she should do to maximise her experience and what she should learn now, before starting university, made me think about what I wish I knew when I was 20.
1. Invest in the good friendships, maintain an interest in the less than positive ones and get rid of the bad toxic frenemies.
You have had your fair share of friendships. You'll make some great friends at university, some of them you'll find from your course, others you'll find in your accommodation but don't forget the ones you made before you left home. Some of those friends will be the most stable and beautiful friendships.When you start university you'll have an idea about who you want to be and that won't necessarily be who you actually are. Focusing on who you are, embracing it and loving it will save you more hardship than trying to be fashionable and cool will.
There will be friends who throw you some serious shade for your enjoyment of thrift shopping, others who food shame you for your (admittedly excessive) love of chocolate, and a few more who make you feel like everything is a competition. These are not the friends you need.
The great friendships will come from those you least expect, such as those with different religious and political views to yourself, those who like listening to weird music, those who invite you to break a the evening fast with them, or just accept that you want to wear high heels to a mosh pit, even if it's a dreadful idea, and take it in their stride.
The great friendships will be the ones where you'll suggest ridiculously silly volunteering efforts (ahem, can anyone say condom fairy?) and sign up to do it with you, even if it is strange. They do this because they too like to try the less than conventional. Even if they don't want to do it with you, real friends will never be disparaging just because you wanted to do it in the first place. They'll just say no. That's it.
You could also do with learning about what a good friendship is because the toxic ones set bad examples. They bring out the worst in you. You don't have the time, effort, energy or reward-potential to keep investing in friendships that make you feel bad.
2. Be ok with being wrong, not getting the best grades and not being perfect but own the good stuff that you make happen.
University will be stressful. Not because it's actually hard either. You're smart. You managed to get into one of the best universities. They let you in. They wanted you. They thought you were good. So, you're smart. You work hard. You write fabulous essays and lab reports.You're going to stress about not being good enough. You're going to compare yourself to other people. You're going to be tired and you're going to procrastinate.
Do. Not. Procrastinate. Figure that shit out now. Figure out a way to get stuff done without taking forever to just get around to doing it.
You got into university with the people who had the extra privileges of private schooling, after-school tuitions, trips to France etc. You did that on your own and that needs to be acknowledged. You are smart enough and good enough to be there. It doesn't make you a better person but it means that you can work hard and do well. You don't have anything else to prove. It's ok to screw up occasionally, to not have the best papers or lab reports, or the most journal articles quoted and cited. In fact, not worrying about that will likely make your grades and papers even better.
Don't aim for perfect, aim for the best you can and want to do. Don't choose the easiest lab partners, choose the ones who want to do the extra work, who are there because they want to learn, not because it's just a gap filler for them. This will make you happier.
And, when you do get that first (A*) in statistics, the first that came from diligent studying and efforts to understand those complex Greek symbols and expensive computer programmes, be relieved and happy! Do. Not. Allow your peer to tell you: "yeah, a first in statistics is really good. for a girl". Tell them that their 4 points higher must be really shitty considering they're a boy.
Your degree is not the be all and end all but it is something that you will enjoy and continue to be proud of for the years following. You won't learn everything here and it's ok (and desirable) to say when you just don't have the answer. In fact, you don't have the answers but you think you do. Stop that and enjoy just not knowing. Enjoy the moment and the learning, you'll not get an opportunity like this again.
3. It's perfectly fine to need quiet time and not want to party all the time.
You'll live with some pretty extreme extroverts. Many of your university friends will be extroverted. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you're anti-social just because you cannot go clubbing, to a party, a concert, work all day, every day, work on joint essays and attend lectures in the space of 4 days. It's not going to happen. You'll feel like you're going to drop dead. Do not allow your friends to suggest you're anything other than what you are, which is socially exhausted.It's going to be tough to be ok with needing quiet time. The quicker you discover that being introverted is not weird or odd, that it doesn't mean you're anti social, will be better for you.
You like people but you prefer them in smaller groups, doing similar things and avoiding small talk. Deep conversations all the way! You'll have your best conversations and friendships with people who want to eat in little salad bars and drink coffees instead of alcohol.
You love dancing but hate nightclubs. Join a dance group or something. Don't think that because everyone raves about partying it is therefore something you must do to be normal. It's not. Your normal is best because it works for you.
4. You'll learn more from actually pushing yourself than you will from doing what's comfortable.
Ok, so don't go out when you are tired and don't do things that you don't want to do.That doesn't mean you shouldn't 'do' things. Do new things. You're not going to be all that impressed with your housemates' membership in the Christian Union, nor the fact that they sometimes have Christian breakfasts in your shared kitchen, but that doesn't mean that you have to be mean about it. In fact, go to one or two of the events. You chose to live with these housemates for a reason, going to a few events is not going to convert you but it will give you insight into their lives. You're not going to join any Christian movements but you are going to have very good friendships with Christian people, so try it out.
Do the belly dancing lessons with your best friend. They're going to be the best thing ever, you're going to enjoy it immensely.
Go and join the feminist society and get involved. Yes, crowds are scary and, yes, people might not think you're cool enough but you're going to regret not getting involved. It's 2007, feminism is still a dirty word but it's not going to stay that way for much longer.
Oh, and wear those fucking sequin tops you have. People will say they're old fashioned and fuddy duddy but I can guarantee you that in 2 years they're going to be raring to wear sequin dresses. Be ok with doing things your own way.
Go to Italy and go to Barcelona.
Go on multiple dates with that odd Canadian you met on a train.
Get your hair cut really short. It's going to change your life.
5. It's ok to say 'no'.
You're going to enjoy going out. You're going to enjoy partying (sometimes), you're going to love dancing and, even more so, you're going to love getting dressed up but you have to learn to say no to somethings because of budget or health. Say no if you don't agree. Say no if it's going to damage your saving/budgeting. Say no if it doesn't fit into your available time.I don't agree with your opinion.
That's really interesting but I think I'll pass.
Learn to say no to other people. Learn to say no to yourself. Don't get bitchy. It brings out the worst in you. If you don't like someone, leave that friendship, don't bitch about it and then be pleasant to their faces. It's going to make you feel worse. Just so 'no'.
(6. Learn to budget - and STICK to it!)
I'm squeezing in this one at the last moment, I know.Learn to budget. Use the cash budget system. Cook food at home. Learn to cook now. You'll actually come to love cooking, so you should do it now when you REALLY need to save money. Not everything is going to turn out ok but you'll still eat it.
Budget, budget, budget. You'll live and be surrounded by people who have access to more money than you. They have parents that will pay for their housing, or parents that will subsidise their living expenses. You're going to be jealous and angry. The anger doesn't coming from resentment though, it comes from the pressure you feel to keep up. It's ok to know that they perhaps don't understand your outlook and so what? You will learn a lot from having to live off 10 GBP a week ($15-20). Learn to say no. You have fabulous friends and they will always be ok with a single coffee, a bar of chocolate, gilmore girl marathons, hot chocolates and a 4 hour chat. You'll learn that if you can't maintain a friendship without spending money then it's not a real friendship.
Hindsight is 20-20. I didn't do or think all of the above at the time that it happened, but I do think that if I'd had more wisdom/been more chilled it would have made for a far more entertaining and memorable university experience. I wish I'd known then what I know now!
